Third Decade

Observation #29: Love Me Some Me

What is the interest that so many people have in smelling themselves?

And I know the first thing that popped into some of your heads, but that's not what I was referring to.  At least not the first or only thing I was referring to.  I was specifically referring to the interest some people have in smelling their arms, hands and fingers.  Yes, of course some people also like the smell of their own farts, and certainly most of us think ours aren't as offensive as anyone else's.  But it's much more socially acceptable to catch sniffs of other things like your own extremities.

I suppose there are some physiological explanations.  I would love to hear them.  Perhaps I'll do some of my own research. 

Observation #28: Don't Call Me Irwin

There are thousands and thousands of men my age who's wives are pregnant. 

And as these men ponder to themselves
I know, I just know, that they have given more than passing thought to convincing their wife to go along with one of two names.  The first one is Fletcher. 
As a husband, you can argue to your wife that it evokes great historical mutineers (Fletcher Christian), academics (John Fletcher), musicians (Fletcher Henderson) and Scotsmen (Andrew Fletcher).  On second thought, the Scotsmen argument probably wouldn't help, but to punctuate your case, you could emphasize that it is nonetheless a unique name that is widely liked by people:

Should accommodate his future travels well:

And would not provide a great entree by some future bully into pummeling your darling boy into the playground schoolyard:

And though other unfortunate incidents are possibilities, really, when you think about it, certain things can happen to people of any name.

Behind all of these arguments, of course, lies the one and only reason that the husband has for wanting a son named Fletcher.  That is, so he can call him Fletch.

How great it would be to introduce your 4 year old soccer player on Saturday mornings to the other soccer dads by saying: "Oh, here he comes.  Roger this is my son.  Fletch."

The comments and movie lines that would elicit are endless.  As Roger introduces his Jake, Logan, Ryan, or Tyler to you, you will be able to read his thoughts has he passes a glance at his wife.  Those thoughts will be something like, "why did I go along with her on LOGAN!".

He might also resent you that Fletch is your son.  He may say something like, "huh...so you didn't go with Gummy then".  You'll only offer a slight smile, bid goodbye, and you and Fletch will head out.  No doubt in pursuit of another good story. Or a Lakers game.

Oh, and the other name? 

Ferris, of course.

Observation #27: Music Babes

I caught a concert clip the other night of a few songs by The Bangles.  Most thirtiers will know who they were, but to remind, they were the '80s all-female band from SoCal that had hits like "Walking Like An Egyptian" and "Manic Monday".  I owned one Bangles album and was never a big fan, but I did think it was cool for four chicks ladies to be in a band and make popular music.

So as I'm watching the first song in this concert, the camera cuts to Susanna Hoffs.  She is and was the main vocalist in the band though the other members did some singing also.  As Ms. Hoffs started to sing, the first thought that popped into my head was: "wow, she's still hot!".  It's the truth.  In the eighties I thought she was one of the babes in popular music, and now that I see her again I think she's as gorgeous as she was two decades ago - and still has the figure.

I looked her up on wikipedia and her birthday is listed as 1959!  That can't be right.  If she looks like that at 50 then I'm even more impressed. 

Now I'm flashing back to other rock babes of the eighties.  Think that deserves a post of it's own.  As images of Wendy O'Williams and Dale Bozio flash in my head, I'll touch on them later.  As for dreamgirl Susanna...well done.

Observation #26: Show Me the Money

Women often get accused of being money-grubbers.  Guys say they're attracted to the benjamins, and to what they can acquire with a big bank account.  From what I've seen, that is true for some.  Some women I've met and known are attracted to flashy cars, fancy watches, and big houses.  They're stimulated by the social position that wealth might bring them.  They fall much farther on the money side of the love-or-money equation than they do the love side. 

On the surface this argument seems to have merit.  From experience, I've learned there's often more beneath that surface.

Many women who appear to be attracted to money are actually attracted to security.  For them, it's less about the size of the number, but it's more about what the number represents.  It means if they get sick, they'll be able to afford good healthcare.  It means if they're in need legal help, they'll have access to quality consultation and representation.  It means they're current or future children will be afforded a good education.

Women like to feel safe.  This is a big reason why policemen, firemen, and soldiers usually have little difficulty in finding a bride.  Money and wealth represent safety and protection.  I can't fault a women for wanting to feel safe and protected. 

So it's more than just money.  Sometimes it's about love and security. 

Observation #25: Everybody Dies

RIP Emily

Observation #24: Chopped Locks

Actually, this observation isn't a new one.  It was a twentysomething discovery that several recent events have reminded me of, so I thought I should include it here.

Many women in college and their early twenties wear their hair on the longer side.  The style fits their age bracket, is attractive to men, and helps keeps them competitive in the steely rivalries that are often part of femaninhood.  But then an engagement ring gets slipped on a young woman's finger and she marches down the aisle and into a partnership that only death can put an end to.  After the honeymoon is over and all the gifts have been opened, the settling down begins.

That starts the transformation from pigtailed former sorority girl to adult china-buying wife.  Part of that transformation is the dispatching of inches from her hairstyle.  Now she is married, she has little motivation to attract other men.  The man she's with is legally bound to her so she's less motivated to attract him than when she had only known him for two weeks.  Now she is married, she's started to attend functions and events with other married couples - a far different social dynamic than the bar scene.  Now she is marred, she's developed her skills in managing the household, making schedules, and debating with her under-manned husband.

So off go long tresses, and the new short "off-the-market" hairstyle takes the place.  Even before looking at the left hands of each member of the group of girls in the restaurant having a nice lunch, one could place a good bet on which of the members are married just by examining hairstyles.  That one in the seat 4 with the Farrah Fawcett redux?  Not married.  The rest with nary a strand touching shoulders?  Taken, taken, taken, and taken.

Not that no single girls wear short hair.  In fact, single girls with short hair are often very attractive because of the inner confidence that they usually have that allows them to be comfortable with less on top.  But what happens then they get married, do they shave it all off or grow it out?

Observation #23: Ivory Expander

White may be a great color for paper, cream, teeth, and multi-sexual duo rock acts, but it's not the healthiest option for food.  As one of those of us thirty-somethings that pay attention to what we eat - most of the time - I've noticed that most ivory-themed foods have been included among lists of foods to avoid.  Take these for example:

• Rice - the white variety is high in starch, with the best parts - the husk, bran, & germ - removed.  This has led to what is undoubtedly one of the least manly and most yuppified food items ever to be placed on a plate: brown-rice sushi.
• Milk - fat, carbs, and cholesterol - if you "got milk", that's what you got.  This is a big category because it includes everything that milk or cream is an ingredient in.  Cheese, ice cream, chocolate, butter, yogurt, and pudding.  Just google "milk" and read up a little on it.  You might think twice about that next big glass. 
• Potatoes - particularly the white variety.  It's a ball of starch wrapped in a dirty-stained skin.  Through a little butter and sour cream on it (see "Milk" above) and you've got a great arsenal to pack on the pounds.
• Sugar - this one's easy.  The refined white stuff is scrubbed of any possible nutrients.
• Flour - the enemy of all those Atkins-bound pizza-scrapers.

On the other hand, a lot of brown foods aren't so bad, so long as they aren't chocolate or gravy.  Green is good.  Spinach, broccoli, kale and peas are just a few examples.  Orange has its highlights.  Sweet potatoes, peppers, and of course, oranges all are good for the body.  Cheetos and Orange Crush are not.  You can only take the orange thing so far.

So sticking with some color in your food is good for you.  Best to stick with stuff made by nature, not by a factory in New Jersey.  And most importantly stay away from foods that have excessively unnatural color, or have no color at all.  After all, that stuff inside Twinkies lasts for years.  And that's after you eat it. 

Observation #22: Grrrrrr....

What's the deal with that face that Larry King makes right before he cuts to every commercial break?  He juts out his jaw and his face is turned into an expression that's part anger, part discomfort and part, well, old man.  His bottom teeth are displayed as if he's having denture trouble.  I'm sure he's frightened guests with this look. 

"Cleveland, hello, what's your question?  Hurry up before I turn into a wolfman."

Observation #21: Bald Spot

On weekends and most other times that I take some time off from my day job, I tend to let my facial hair grow out.  I actually prefer to shave 2-3 times a week.  I'm more comfortable with 2 days of growth than I am clean shaven.  Because I'm used to having some growth, I was quick to notice recently that there is a spot on my face, on the left side of my chin, that has stopped growing hair. 

It's about the size of a dime, if that dime had been run over by a cement roller and elongated slightly.  I'm not on any meds, I haven't splashed any strange liquids onto my face, and I haven't singed myself on a flame.  I'm also not a dermatologist so I'm stumped. 

Is this really a function or by-product of age?  I have a full head of thick hair, so it's sort of ironic that if I would develop a bald spot it would be on my face!  Given the choice, of course, I'd pick the face every time.  I would just like to know what may have caused this - do I need to eat more vegetables?  Less sugar?  More sun?  Less sun?

I'll do a little digging on the net and see what I find.

Observation #20: Celebrities

I find myself less interested than I used to be in what celebrities have to say.  At times, I'm not just uninterested, I'm borderline annoyed.  Now, I watch Dave and Conan not for who the guests are, but for the bits they do before the guests come on.  I just don't care where Kevin Costner went on vacation, or what crazy hijinks Danny Devito's kids got into.  (Does Danny Devito even have kids?  I don't care about that either.)

Talks show interviews are all very contrived and scripted, and so not only the subject matter but the lack of opportunities for spontaneity both make for and very unarresting television experience.  The older you get, the more celebrity interviews you've watched.  And among the things you learn about them is this:  most celebrities don't have anything any more interesting to say than you do.  Some of them are naturally funny - like Nathan Lane or Kevin Spacey - but the vast majority of them are simply there to plug their latest project and really offer no more than you could get by picking people at random on a street corner and interviewing them.

I'll keep watching late night television.  Just bring on the stupid pet tricks and the host adventures outside of the studio.  Leave the celebrities backstage.  They can watch if they want.